The thrillers of real life

I used to love watching scary movies. The bloody kind. The more out there, the more I loved it. I used to watch it and pretend that I am a tough son of a bitch that does not get scared of creepy Asian kids in attics making weird noises or girls in wells that needs haircuts or flies that drag you to hell. I pretended so well, that I did come to a point where I actually became that tough son of a bitch. Then I had babies. It’s like you sweaty-fear-pits and baby growing uterus are best buddies reunited after the fall of the Berlin wall. Now a days if you even pop a balloon 5 meters in my vicinity I jump like a cat living on nothing but scraps at a shooting range. 

Having boys means that they constantly scare the shit out of you. They have two sound levels. 

1) the sneaky fighting with one another sound level

2) ear splitting loudness

Ajay has a double dose of loudness piled up in that tiny little body…. only when he wants to.

Confusing as all of this may sound… There is method behind my ranting.

No scary movie that I have ever watched compares to breastfeeding in the dark at two in the morning, not really awake or functional. Glancing down the hallway and seeing your 4year old awake and staring at you for fuck knows how long. That’s the creepiest shit little kids do. So I’ve decided I’m going to, in honour of being scared out of my skin once again by my son, make a list of the top scariest things in parenting boys.

1) telling your sons to brush their teeth.. going into the bathroom after them and finding only one wet toothbrush…. and it’s yours.

2) putting baby down for the 5th time in the past 2 hours and stepping on the creaking floorboard that will evolve, have babies and die before your husband fixes it.

3) buying one flashlight for each of the boys and realising there’s only batteries left over for one

4) accidentally deleting a minecraft city because I have no fucking clue where the buttons are on a PlayStation 

5) finding your baby elbow deep in bumcream on your new bedding

6) something that looks like chickenpox on the kid that constantly picks at his scabs

7) waking up to one of the little monsters just standing silently by your side of the bed

8) the gut wrenching sound of dark silence disturbed by a mosquitoe 

9) the little plume of smoke from behind your house where you know you raked up all the dry leaves

10) the school’s name registering on your phone and you know it’s because they watched Rocky with dad

Having kids is just about the scariest thing in the world, so be a tough son of a bitch while you still can. Nothing, scares more than sleep deprivation.