It’s that time of the year where people start planning various holidays and shopping. Where all is well and people smile in the streets. Where children write letters to Santa in the hopes of getting something under the tree. I loved Christmas as a child. It was beautiful with all the twinkling lights and Christmas music in the stores. We got to stay up late, sleep in… glorious. I’m not really sure when the Christmas spirit dissipated, but it now resembles more of a watered down wine. You’re still going to drink it, but it doesn’t taste as good as it used to. I’ve been baking cookies all day. (Granted, I would have been done already had 25% of then not magically disappeared into my belly). I’m baking for the employees at my husband’s work. Yeah, I’m that wife. 

But between the dough rolling and sugar coating I did get to thinking that we will be packing up three gremlins that don’t get along on a good day and driving to Cape Town in a week. 

It’s like a really warped coin… on the one side I’m excited about seeing my brother and his beautiful wife (she obviously reads my blog) but on the other side I’m fully aware of the facts:

1) I am married to a man that argues with the GPS, because “it’s a woman’s voice that’s giving the directions”(flashback to our honeymoon and getting lost in the plantations)

2) I am married to a man that has the uncanny ability to switch off the voices of war coming from the backseat… which means that it’ll be like any other day in my house except we’re going to be in a cramped space

3) I am married to a man that believes stopping to pee is a luxury reserved for the once a day he actually needs to go

4) I am married to a man that, like most men, think breastfeeding is as simple and mess free as bottle feeding

5) I am married to a man that slams on the brakes when I doze off just to see where my face will end up

6) I am married to a man that is under the impression that he was a race car driver end endurance tester in his previous lifetime

7) this is the big one…. I am married to a man that thinks I can handle three boys

So looking at the list of facts I question my sanity for taking him with us. 

I’ve been devising some ideas that I’m going to be testing in the 14 odd hours on the road this year.

Controlling the GPS – simplest weapon in my arsenal, getting a weird British bloke to call out the directions, we’ll still get lost but then at least he won’t be blaming the entire female fucking species.

Voicesdo you hear voices – in a completely “world-is-at-an-end” voice, yelling “do you hear the voices?! Are they in my head?!” Proceeded by a shamefull bashing of the head on the dashboard in the hopes that he would think I’ve finally gone completely fucking insane. (This may be a bit of a stretch, but seeing as I am one cup of coffee and a panado away from it anyway, I might as well play it to my advantage).

Getting my husband to stop every two hours (at least) – Vitamin Water… he loves that shit and it just runs through him like his bladder evolved into a sieve. Totally worth the money.

Breastfeeding in the car – suckle and squirt, this technique requires some nipple sacrifice. It’s letting baby latch and then pulling out and watching the milk stream in various directions. If I practice my aim, I might just catch him in the eye and he’d have to stop and let me breastfeed in peace. Once again the teeth gashes will be worth it.

My dozing off – well seeing as he will be doing all the driving and I will be pretending to co-pilot from my snooze… If it keeps him entertained, I might as well take one for the team. 

I’m not too worried about the speeding thing, he usually ends up regretting it when he starts getting fines in the mail. I do however commit to NOT writing a sad letter (again) to the traffic department to try and get out of the fines.

Then there’s the trip entertainment.. I do not have an ace up my sleeve as to how I’m going to control the boys. I do however have some ideas.

DIY “are we there yet” map:

You will need:

  • Laminated Map of the general area you’ll be traveling
  • Cheap dot stickers

How to:

  •  get a map for each boy and a whole bunch of sticker and have them stick one on the map for each town we drive through.

DIY license plate game:

You will need:

  • Laminated map of area you’ll be traveling
  • Rub off kind of marker

How to:

  • Have boys write down the licence plates as you go through the various provinces

DIY scavenger hunt:

You will need:

  • List of crazy but reachable things like a yellow Beatle, police car, man picking his nose, biker with a beard etc. With little tick boxes for each one
  • Pen

How to:

  • If I need to explain this then you’re an idiot and I’m amazed you know how to read

DIY driving bingo:

You will need:

  • Printed out sheet roughly five by five pictures of various road signs 
  • Stickers

How to:

  • Just like real bingo with less old people and more excitement

DIY magnetic puzzle:

You will need:

  • Cookie baking tray
  • Cheap magnets 
  • Ice cream sticks
  • Printed picture

How to:

  • Stack sticks in A4 shape
  • Stick picture on 
  • Cut between sticks so that each stick has a piece of the picture on it
  • Stick magnets to the back of the sticks 

How to:

  • Each monster gets a tray and a Ziploc bag with the puzzle
  • If you want to watch them get seriously pissed off,mix them, payback for all the sleepless nights

Most of these will probably end up in a fight anyway, so then there’s always using cardboard as dividers between the boys.

Try to avoid the crazy, take it one kilometer at a time and enjoy the special moments in between all the harder ones. Remember that if you are going away for the holiday that we are blessed to be able to share it with our kids. (Just had to put a little sunshine in there)

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