My entire house is filled with little men.. No, not the kind that comes out at night and fixes your shoes while you sleep… The kind that assume that there are actually little men that come out at night to fix the shit they’ve broken during the day.
All mothers can agree that there are a couple of go-to phrases we say, scream, threat and live by… Usually these occur in various levels of decibels and are followed by the standard plea of insanity, the ever classic brake down cutting grass with a pair of safety scissors, the melt down cry in the empty bath tub or the detached just-wait-till-your-dad-gets-home carefree abandon.
No, you are not alone. We all have beautiful little babies we would die for, fight for, who we pray for, stand up for and believe in. And in an instant they become strangers… little demonic strangers to say the least.
I have no experience in raising little ladies, hell, I suppose one needs to be exactly that to start with before attempting to replicate the formula. I suppose that is the main reason why God blessed me (a little over abundantly) with boys. The biggest thing that I have noticed though, baby sitting my friends daughters on occasion, is that little ladies understand the general laws of physics a lot better than boys do. This theory can be easily proven by simply observing them as they play. Boys like to think that they know a little more about gravity than it’s original theorist Newton, and therefor go above and beyond human logic to try death defying stunts.
They can see a Par-cor practice ground in every day object, or build Mount Everest with the broken bits of tree left over after their dad has been “gardening”. They can also fall the hardest and in the most awkward and embarrassing ways than any other known mammal, without sustaining as much as a bruise.
Having boys means that your medical aid needs to be up to date, and the card better be in some form of a wallet or purse. If you are anything like I am, having a purse is a necessity when you find the perfect one in store and it costs double the allowed budget, but a complete waste of time when you actually go shopping. (Not that I will ever openly admit this fact to my husband, the reluctant victim of an arm twisting when the initial purchase of the aforementioned purse occurred). Having a five year old that ways 27kg in a trolley with the worst wheel alignment in the world, one very active and entitled two year old on the hip, an 11 year old that wonders more than walks, a written list of items needed (that you forgot at home), and a constant need to pee, makes having a purse with you IMPOSSIBLE. That’s why we have jeans, preferably with back pockets for our car keys and cards and hopefully something that has a little extra stretch to the bum area.
Out of the three of my boys, two have received stitches … as babies … one has been admitted to ICU for accidental poisoning, one has had tonsils removed, there has been a total of four sets of grommets done (on one kid), and we have had a total of three broken noses… (one of which was my own after being head butted by one of the miracles that I have given life to).
Looking at this, we have been lucky! It’s not a bad score for 11 years! For this, I know that God has been carefully holding my boys in His hands every time they have done something insane … which is all the time. This does allow me to be 29 years old and undoubtedly a little wonky but still not institutionalized.
The age gap between the three is quite extensive, and none of the three think that they are in any way too small to do any thing that the older sibling does. My 2 year old uses his little black bicycle to chase up the self made ramps along with his brothers.
Therefor I have compiled a list of my favorite phrases:
- How did you do that? – used often when still actually curious as to how they have done certain things like removing all the red balls from the dish-washing tablets in tact.
- What were you thinking? – this is moot… boys generally do more than actually think, but is still thrown out there on occasion when you find they have broken their wardrobe door to use as a shield in their up and coming marble throwing battle.
- What did you expect was going to happen? – mostly used as a tool to explain concepts to them like “what did you expect was going to happen when you hit your bedroom windows with all your strength to scare a pigeon on the other side? “
- How are you going to fix this? – not ideal for practical kids that actually try to fix things like the computer box that had a thermometer shoved into a USB port. (rest in peace old friend)
- How long has it been stuck in there? – this one is one of my all time favorites as it seems to apply to so many things in my house. From getting a tortoise out of a toy car to getting a marble out of an ass …. jip, that happened.
- How the hell did you get up there? – I say this so many times, they boys might actually think this is our home address and I am trying to drum it into them for safety reasons. When saying “there”, it covers pretty much everywhere, form a tree that’s dangerously planted and hangs just over the electric fence, to the tin roof that has been known to chop and slice a toe or two.
There is a certain understanding among boymoms when hearing the phrase “boys will be boys”. It’s not just an empty sentence said to excuse their weird behavior or a semi-appropriate saying when things in your mother-in-laws’s house brake… no, it’s a silent war cry.